Broto Realm

I don't have any real hobbies, I'm just killing time

That's the conclusion I got to a few weeks ago. It felt terrible, but it also got me thinking.

I have always considered myself to be a person of many hobbies, like, since I'm a little kid. I signed up for every after-class activity I could. Judo, karate, capoeira, robotics, chess, break dance, tap dance, ballet, jazz, ceramics, painting, drawing, math club, book club, gymnastics, theater, d&d, jigsaw puzzle, library helper and probably more I can't remember. I was an avid reader at home and as soon as I had access to them, became a video-game enthusiast too.

I remember loving some of the activities, hating others, not caring for most of them. But the thing is, I always had something to do. I also got burnt out really fast, as one can imagine.

This is a question that has been haunting me for a while now: what is it that I *really* like to do? It had me wondering from all of those activities I've been taking, if anything was really my own interest or if I was just happy to be told I was good at things. So many people always telling me how good of an artist/chess player/volley player/dancer/... I would be when I grew up that I didn't have time to listen to myself.

Now, a few mental breakdowns later, I'm in search of a passion. Not whatever will bring meaning to my life or anything big like that, just something I really want to dedicate my time to. I needed to get back into my hobbies, so I tried.

A funny thing started to happen. I wasn't feeling *the drive*. Surely crocheting another bag was cool, I spent a lot of time in it and it made me proud, but I didn't enjoy the journey. I really just wanted to get it done already. Drawing felt more like doing homework than anything, I tried to read but I was really just flipping pages. Surely playing a few runs of biding of isaac or running a game of league with my friends was getting me through the end of the day. None of that was something I was REALLY looking forward when I was done with work.

I started to fill most of my free time with... more work. You see, I'm a video editor, my work can be pretty creative and even fun at a times. I'm proud of what I do and I have a good time. When I'm done, I feel like I've accomplished something. I like when I deliver a job and receive a positive feedback. It makes me feel something, it occupies the void. Life, however, can't be just work.

I want a personal project, I want something that I want to work on outside of work, I want to really get to the end of my working hours and feel excited to do something that is mine.

I needed an actual hobby. Not just killing time.

Cause that's what I was doing: killing time. I didn't have anything worth waiting for. I was just filling up any free time I had with meaningless activities so I wouldn't have to think, I was just distracting myself. Hobbies are a kind of work. Something you really put your mind into, something that makes you want to take a peek during your break, fills your mind when work is boring, gets you excited to tell people about. In the age of distraction, something that takes up your attention and makes you forget time is real. I haven't felt that in so long...

This thought made me feel a bit doomed but it also helped me draw a line. I had hobbies before, things I really wanted to go back to and it required me to work.

Crochet projects that had me thinking either or not I figured out the correct way to size up, that I would think about during the day and be excited to grab my hook at night. Games that would get me jumping on their wiki as soon as I could, making guides and spreadsheets with the info I had, planning for the new season and learning the best strategies to beat the boss or just learning every in-game book I could to absorb more of the lore. Books that would get me wondering what the next chapter would be like and made me wanna write fanfics and draw fanart. I've felt this passionate about things before, of wanting to spend my free time trying to improve on whatever I was on about. That's what I was missing.

Funnily enough, this is it. This website-blog-thing. This is what I want to go back to as soon as I have some free time. When I'm supposed to take a lunch break, I instead glance at my plans. I try to optimize images while my video export is rendering. My head is here and it feels good. I haven't had a hobby that had me like this in a very long time and I hope it also flames up my other dying passions.

I'm happy I decided to start this. I also hate that I'm terrified to post anything that I write. Dude I'm insecure about putting this page up BUT THIS IS A RAMBLE FOR ANOTHER TIME

Quit being a coward, I'm happy to be here right now :]